NEMOGUĆA MISIJA – LONAC

Ispravak netočnog navoda kako bi rekli žohari, stoka krupnog zuba, krvopije, Rosemaryne bebe, štakori, pijavice i  pošasti, ovisno kojoj stranci pripadaju.

Jučer smo, eto nešto raspravljali (što će reći da sam ja imala monolog i recitaciju u tri čina) o strahoti petardi. Je li bolje potrošiti lovu na petarde od kojih ostaneš bez pola dlana ili na travulju od koje ostaneš bez želje za bacanjem petardi, jer je naporno, bučno i baš bez veze?

Naravno, ja sam zastupala konoplju, ne zato jer uvijek zastupam konoplju, u narodu znanu kao Belzebubov okot (ili bar tako znanu u saborskim klupama), JER TO UOPĆE NIJE TOČNO. na primjer jednom sam otkrila da je jedna znanstvena studija pokazala da travulja kod morskih ježeva (ježinaca) izaziva sterilnost.

Prema tome nemojte govoriti da travulja ne šteti nikom i ničemu samo zato jer ne živite u moru i nemate bodlje, i travulja ne raste u moru, i uopće nam ne fali ježinaca što će potvrditi svaki glupi turist koji je ikad umočino svoju vrlu osobu u Jadransko more. Pitajte bilo kojeg ježinca je li travulja “Biljka od Boga dana”, pa ćete vidjeti. Najlakše je gledati sebe, a svi drugi, na primjer ježinci, nek’ idu do vraga.

Da se vratim na bitno – petarde. 

Istina je živa da moji sinovi nikad nisu voljeli petarde. Čak ni kad su bili mali-mali pelenaši. Međutim zgodilo se jednom, proj možda 10 godina, ako ne i više da je moj stariji pelenaš otkrio jedan stari lonac.

Kada si malen i nađeš lonac koji nikome ne treba, svim razumnim bićima je jasno da je taj lonac tvoje blago kojim možeš napraviti razna čuda. Nitko od odraslih ne razumije da je stari lonac potpuno isto što i Aladinova lampa (ili možda znaju, pa ti ga žele oteti, jer odrasli stalno sve otimaju da bi punili svoje zalihe blaga. OtImaju šibice, upaljače, staklene boce, čekiće, kliješta, lonce, stare utičnice…S-V-E! Čista pohlepa i ugnjetavanje).

Jadni pelenaš stariji, danas znan kao Obi S-V-E Kenobi, jer zna SVE, je cijelu novogodišnju večer pokušavao doći do lonca, ali horde zla mu nisu dale. Međutim Obi S-V-E Kenobi je znao da je upornost majka uspjeha, naravno uz dodatak lukavosti, potrebne doze laganja i iskorištavanja činjenice da te horde zla uglavnom ne primjećuju. Bacio je sveti lonac sa balkona pred zgradu i strpljivo čekao pravi trenutak.

Pred ponoć kad su se svi propremali da nazdrave, gledaju vatromet i histerično slave dolazak Nove godine, Obi S-V-E Kenobi je izmolio horde zla da ga puste van pred zgradu gdje su bila i druga djeca pobjegla od sličnih hordi zla.

E sad, zgrada je bila smještena na Monte Zarru. Ovo je Monte Zarro

Smješten je točnom iznad najužeg centra najljepšeg grada na svijetu i ovoj galaksiji Pule. Kao što se vidi sav je pun stabala i fontana, ali i ljudi koji bezrazložno izlaze it kuće na Novu godinu.

Dakle imamo

Monte Zarro                     i           imamo lonac.

Naravno, netko tamo vani ima i petarde.

Zaključak:

  1. Na Monte Zarru nema tko što tražiti za Novu godinu, jer je to teren Udruženih Pelenaških Snaga, skraćeno UPS. 
  2. Za Novu godinu je apsolutno sve dozvoljeno UPS-u, jer je i njihova obrana na sudu koja je sasvim legitimna UPS.
  3. Tvrdnje da lonac ne može letjeti  nisu nikada dokazane i potpuno su neosnovane dok se ne dokaže drugačije.
  4. UPS djeluje po slijedećim načelima: sve one blesavoće kojih se drži Horda Zla u koju spadaju svi stariji od 15 godina sa još nešto izdajica UPS-a, da je nešto nemoguće, štetno ili opasno, MORA SE DOKAZATI lažnost blesavoća.
  5. Tko ne dokazuje blesavoću Horda Zla bit će nepovratno izbačen iz UPS-a.

Naravno treba znati pravilan postupak djelovanja kada želimo stručno dokazati da lonac itekako leti.

Lonac okrenete naopako na sred Monte Zarra, pripremite najjače petarde koje je UPS nabavio svim legitimnim sredstvima (moljakanjem, plačem, silnim trudom da ne iznerviraju Horde Zla, krađom iz tatine kutije i sl.). Strpljivo čekate ponoć, koja treba doći za 5 minuta ako gledamo sat, ali u stvarnosti dođe tek za pola sata dok se vi jadni smrzavate na vrhu Monte Zarra gdje uvijek nešto puše. Kad konačno dođe ta ponoč, što vam obznani  histerična dreka sa svih balkona i prozora i vatromet iznad Pulskog zaljeva, opet strpljivo čekate da prođe taj glupi vatromet i onda:

ZAPALITE PETARDE

STAVITE IH POD LONAC

ODMAKNETE SE NEKIH 5 KORAKA

UZBUĐENO ČEKATE REZULTAT POBIJANJA BLESAVOĆE O NELETEĆIM LONCIMA

U tom trenutku mi (Horde Zla) smo kao i ostali na balkonu gledali vatromet. Kad je završio, jedna žena koju ne poznajete i koja je stvarna kraljica svemira me pogledala smijući se oko glave i rekla: “Minja, gledaj! Lonac leti!” I stvarno, lonac je tako visoko poletio da je padao i padao i padao, a ja sam razmišljala kako ću se oprati ako padne na neki auto koji je, naravno bezrazložno parkiran na teritoriju UPS-a.

Nakon nekih desetak minuta, pelanaš stariji i pelanaš mlađi su se vratili iz pohoda. Pelenaš mlađi je ušao u obliku dima da ga nitko ne primjeti, dok je pelanaš stariji ušao kao Julije Cezar nakon pokoravanja Galije.

“STOKO JEDNA NENORMALNA!” zaurlam čim sam ga ugledala. “Kako možeš napraviti takvu svinjariju? A da je lonac blebio na neki auto ili čovjeka u prolazu? Ovo je centar grada! Debilu jedan bolesni!”

Obi S-V-E Kenobi, predsjednik UPS-a, me pogledao blijedo i nevino i rekao: “Koji lonac?”

Minja Vuksan Dobran

2018-01-07T15:37:54+00:00

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