SMEJATI SE ILI PLAKATI

Ne želim da plačem, jer plače se za mrtvima, a ja sam hvala Bogu živ. I ne osećam se različit od drugih, osim po svojim osobinama.
Volim svoj život pored svih muka i problema, i hoću da ga živim.

Nikada nisam bio paničar, ni za šta pa ni za bolesti. Uvek kada dobijem relapse i prestanu napadi, spazmi, ja počnem da se smejem. Neko ko me ne poznaje rekao bi da sam lud. Mada i nije daleko od istine, ali pozitivno lud.
Majka mi kaže ti se smeješ a ja bih plakala. Gledaj jednu stvar, potpuno te razumem, ti si roditelj a ja tvoje starije “dete”, i ja imam decu i znam šta znači biti roditelj, veoma teška uloga, obaveza i zanimanje. Ali, ako će plakanje da mi pomogne, hajde da plačemo zajedno i da jednom za svagda sve to prestane i bude mi bolje. Pa neće. E pa baš zato hoću da se smejem. Živ sam, povremeno deformisan, što je, priznajem, malo jezivo gledati, ali postoji toliko osoba koje su u mnogo gorem stanju od mene, jel’ oni treba da se poubijaju? Ma ne treba. Onda ću se smejati, jer ne može bolest da me muči kolko ja mogu da izdržim.
Mlađi sin isto, kako možeš da se smeješ kad vidiš šta te spopada i na šta ličiš tada. Sine, ne razumeš ti to i želeo bih da nikada u životu ne budeš u prilici da moraš da razumeš. Samo spremi vodu da mi daš da pijem kada nastane pauza, jer ne mogu sam da držim čašu, i samo slušaj moja uputstva, bez pitanja i saveta. Znam šta radim, veruj mi, svestan sam šta mi se dešava. Ali svaki sledeći put je isto, ne mogu to da prihvate.
Jednom su mi došle u posetu rođena sestra i prijateljica, i ja kao za inat dobijem napad spazama. Pošto nikada nisu videle kako mi se to dešava, počele su iz sveg glasa da zovu sestre i doktore. Pacijenti koji su ležali samnom su već naučili na te moje ispade, ali njihova poseta se prestravila. A mene nadulo nešto da se smejem pukao bih, samo čekam da prestane napad. Kada je prestao ja sam prasnuo u smeh. A one, pa ti nisi normalan, pa šta ti je smešno, ovo je za plakanje a ti se smeješ. Opet plakanje. Meni su suve oči, koristim veštačke suze i nemogu da plačem, ako bih počeo da plačem sa veštačkim suzama to bi bilo kao da plačem na plejbek, a to nije to. Ali mogu da se smejem, za to mi nisu potrebne suze.
Kada dobijem napad dođe sestra i kaže mi hajde Dejane lezi. Ne mogu da legnem jer ne mogu u tom polžaju da podnesem to, zgrčim se kao jare u plehu. Mogu samo sedeći ili stojeći. Onda mi ona stavi šaku na čelo i gura glavu unazad. Kada me pusti spazam, ja joj kažem, daj sestro napravićeš mi žulj na čelu. Plašim se da mi ne padneš. Nikada sestro nisam pao pa neću ni sada.
Jedino moja doktorka Dragana Denić zna kompletan tok mojih relapsa i kaže im, budite pored njega i pustite čoveka na miru, on zna kako mu odgovara da to podnese.
Zato uvek idem kod nje, jer ona zna svaki detalj o mojoj malo specifičnoj i zanimljivoj multiploj sklerozi i ne moram ništa da joj objašnjavam kao drugim doktorima, neka suvišna pitanja, šta je bilo, kada je bilo, zašto ovo, zašto ono, i slično.
Prihvatio sam svoju bolest MS, a i ostale kao sastavni deo svog života. Zato hoću da živim, da se radujem, da se smejem, da se borim za svoje parče neba. Hoću da im pokažem da nisu jače od mene, hoću, koliko god mogu, da ja vodim život a ne on mene. Ne želim da plačem, jer plače se za mrtvima, a ja sam hvala Bogu živ. I ne osećam se različit od drugih, osim po svojim osobinama.
Volim svoj život pored svih muka i problema, i hoću da ga živim.
Dejan Deki Simonović

2017-10-12T11:05:02+00:00

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Volim svoj život pored svih muka i problema, i hoću da ga živim.

Nikada nisam bio paničar, ni za šta pa ni za bolesti. Uvek kada dobijem relapse i prestanu napadi, spazmi, ja počnem da se smejem. Neko ko me ne poznaje rekao bi da sam lud. Mada i nije daleko od istine, ali pozitivno lud.
Majka mi kaže ti se smeješ a ja bih plakala. Gledaj jednu stvar, potpuno te razumem, ti si roditelj a ja tvoje starije “dete”, i ja imam decu i znam šta znači biti roditelj, veoma teška uloga, obaveza i zanimanje. Ali, ako će plakanje da mi pomogne, hajde da plačemo zajedno i da jednom za svagda sve to prestane i bude mi bolje. Pa neće. E pa baš zato hoću da se smejem. Živ sam, povremeno deformisan, što je, priznajem, malo jezivo gledati, ali postoji toliko osoba koje su u mnogo gorem stanju od mene, jel’ oni treba da se poubijaju? Ma ne treba. Onda ću se smejati, jer ne može bolest da me muči kolko ja mogu da izdržim.
Mlađi sin isto, kako možeš da se smeješ kad vidiš šta te spopada i na šta ličiš tada. Sine, ne razumeš ti to i želeo bih da nikada u životu ne budeš u prilici da moraš da razumeš. Samo spremi vodu da mi daš da pijem kada nastane pauza, jer ne mogu sam da držim čašu, i samo slušaj moja uputstva, bez pitanja i saveta. Znam šta radim, veruj mi, svestan sam šta mi se dešava. Ali svaki sledeći put je isto, ne mogu to da prihvate.
Jednom su mi došle u posetu rođena sestra i prijateljica, i ja kao za inat dobijem napad spazama. Pošto nikada nisu videle kako mi se to dešava, počele su iz sveg glasa da zovu sestre i doktore. Pacijenti koji su ležali samnom su već naučili na te moje ispade, ali njihova poseta se prestravila. A mene nadulo nešto da se smejem pukao bih, samo čekam da prestane napad. Kada je prestao ja sam prasnuo u smeh. A one, pa ti nisi normalan, pa šta ti je smešno, ovo je za plakanje a ti se smeješ. Opet plakanje. Meni su suve oči, koristim veštačke suze i nemogu da plačem, ako bih počeo da plačem sa veštačkim suzama to bi bilo kao da plačem na plejbek, a to nije to. Ali mogu da se smejem, za to mi nisu potrebne suze.
Kada dobijem napad dođe sestra i kaže mi hajde Dejane lezi. Ne mogu da legnem jer ne mogu u tom polžaju da podnesem to, zgrčim se kao jare u plehu. Mogu samo sedeći ili stojeći. Onda mi ona stavi šaku na čelo i gura glavu unazad. Kada me pusti spazam, ja joj kažem, daj sestro napravićeš mi žulj na čelu. Plašim se da mi ne padneš. Nikada sestro nisam pao pa neću ni sada.
Jedino moja doktorka Dragana Denić zna kompletan tok mojih relapsa i kaže im, budite pored njega i pustite čoveka na miru, on zna kako mu odgovara da to podnese.
Zato uvek idem kod nje, jer ona zna svaki detalj o mojoj malo specifičnoj i zanimljivoj multiploj sklerozi i ne moram ništa da joj objašnjavam kao drugim doktorima, neka suvišna pitanja, šta je bilo, kada je bilo, zašto ovo, zašto ono, i slično.
Prihvatio sam svoju bolest MS, a i ostale kao sastavni deo svog života. Zato hoću da živim, da se radujem, da se smejem, da se borim za svoje parče neba. Hoću da im pokažem da nisu jače od mene, hoću, koliko god mogu, da ja vodim život a ne on mene. Ne želim da plačem, jer plače se za mrtvima, a ja sam hvala Bogu živ. I ne osećam se različit od drugih, osim po svojim osobinama.
Volim svoj život pored svih muka i problema, i hoću da ga živim.
Dejan Deki Simonović (više…)

2017-10-12T09:26:05+00:00

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