ZRNO PIJESKA

Evo vratih se sa mog godišnjeg. 

Sve u svemu – da je bolje ne bi valjalo!

Prvih noći sanjala sam sve vas, moje bolesne, otpisane… moje tifusare. Jesam li luda? Što mi je? Moram li jesti samu sebe, jer je nama svima to što nam jest? Hoće li sva moja tuga i trud ikoga spasiti, sačuvati…išta?

Jutrom, bakice u sobi su me pitale

– Je li ti Valerija sestra?

– A Branko ti je muž?

– Tko je Deki?

-Ti imaš veliku obitelj, je l’ da?

” Da, ja imam veliku obitelj, kad biste samo znali. I kad bi ste samo znali koliko bih voljela da mi nitko od njih nije obitelj, nego da su nešto drugo. Nešto sretno i zdravo…”

I tako za svako vaše ime, more cijelo da potopi Zemlju kao Noin potop. I mislim se ja; dobro je. Nisam zaboravila! Nisam se odmetnula! Pa eto ipak nešto ima u meni da je živo i da suosjeća. Ali tko je ozdravio od empatije? Kome je, i budimo pošteni, sućut donijela spasenje? Da, lijepo je to i pohvalno, ali u konačnici ne služi ničemu sem kao utjeha laži. Jer ništa na svijetu što Čovjek može reći nije nikad istina. Istina živi u emociji i sve drugo je kopija i tlapnja.

A onda bi mislila “dobro je da nemam mračnih tajni jer ni jednu sačuvalane bi. Ne bi me trebalo ni mučiti, pa čak ni pitati, samo pustiti da zaspim i propjevam i broj cipela pokojnog mi djeda.” 

Ne bih rekla za sebe da sam iskrena. To nikako! Ni sama sebi ne vjerujem ni koliko je crno ispod nokta. Sanjar ja sam. I snovi su mi nekako stvarniji od jave, pa nikad baš čovjek ne može biti siguran je li se nešto stvarno dogodilo ili sam samo zamislila. I mišljenja mijenjam kako mi padne, pa za ništa ne mogu tvrditi da je zaista baš tako kako kažem jer za dva dana tvrdit ću potpuno suprotno ili nešto u sredini ili nešto što nikakve veze nema sa ičim o toj mojoj Istini i Tvrdnji.

Evo recimo, svi već znaju da se ja držim alternative k’o pijan plota i da odbijam svaku kemiju čak i u tragovima. A onda mrtvo – hladno odem na neurologiju i spucam si u venu 5 000 ml pulsne. Moji neurolozi znaju da uzimam konoplju (CBD) i slažu se i podržavaju. Sad je li to zato što i onako nema pomoći pa štetit neće,a nek’ se bolesnik zabavlja i tješi ili jer stvarno vjeruju u bar mogućnost da je konoplja ljekovita,to ne znam. Sa druge strane ne znam ni što liječnici, znanstvenici i svi ti sa skraćenicama pred imenom raspravljaju o nama običnim smrtnicima. Možda već godinama znaju da konoplja pomaže kod cijelog mora oboljenja, ali je do sad iz nama skrivenih i nepojmljivih razloga to trebalo ostati tajna. Možda smo samo spori kad su dobre stvari u pitanju. Ipak, smo ubili bijelog nosoroga u 21. stoljeću bez i jedne riječi. Možda je vama na svu muku života u ovom sivilu koje smo stvorili i manje bitan jeda nosorog, ali meni je ta vijest slomila srce, ranila mi nadu i mog Patološkog optimistu u meni, pa sad Samomrzac slavi kao nastrani luđak. 

Isto tako mnogi znaju, a posebno moje djevojke u Ognjištu   da sam već godinama u svađi sa Dostojevskim. Ljuta sam na njega jer je nepristojan. Ogoliti dušu uvijek i bez zadrške… pa malo mi bude neugodno. Ali sada čitam “Bijele noći”

i uživam i plačem, preventivno, jer znam da me neće ostaviti netaknutu i ravnodušnu, ili samo malo osupnutu. Znam da će mi pokidati svaki komad duše na komadiće uz možda više pretpostavljenu ispriku “dragom čitaocu”, ali ja sam vam ipak Dostojevski. I čitam u strahu, a ne mogu stati. Droga je to za koju lijeka nema.

Da lakše podnesem, uzela sam i Borgesa jer uvijek čitam bar po dvije knjige od jednom da se ne utopim u jednoj i počnem pozdravljati stabla po gradu, preventiva je iz Raja izašla. Pa onda ispadne da se više ne mogu sjetiti kako se ono zbilja zvao Minotaur i probdijem noć u suzama jer sam nešto tako važno zaboravila. Zvao se ASTERION!!! Ne zaboravite, molim vas, jer moje misli kopne, moja sjećanja odnosi plima. Netko se mora sjećati Asteriona. Te noći me tješio Dostojevski, pa sad vi meni recite kako mi vjerovati išta kad ni ovoliko ne mogu sa sigurnošću tvrditi! Voljeti ili ne voljeti Dostojevskog, voljeti ili ne voljeti Borgesa! Pa ako ni tako nešto sasvim jednostavno i krajnje ljudski ne znam – što znam!?

I tako sam ležala danima sa mojim bakicama u sobi i razmišljala o smislu svega što živim. ne mojte me krivo shvatiti, znam ja da MS nitko nije odabrao, kao ni sva druga zla, boreliozu, Parkinsonovu, karcinom, dijabetes, dokle da nabrajam. Znam da je to nekakva božanska lutrija, ali ja sam ipak izuzetak. Nekako znam, a ne pitajte kako da sam ja sama sebi navukla ovo što liči na MS, izgleda kao MS,. glasa se kao MS, ali eto ipak nije MS. Potpuno sam uvjerena da kad bi svi ozdravili i ja bih se probudila ozdravljena od saznanja da nitko više nije bolestan.  I da se nitko nije sada usudio misliti da sam ja nekakva dobrica, empat do bola ili nekakva dobrovoljna žrtva! Ni slučajno! Dala bih sve na svijetu da to nije tako i da me baš briga, ali eto, rođena sam s nekom greškom i tu pomoći nema. Nemojte ni misliti da volim ljude! Ni govora! Ja sam mizantrop stoput veći od Jonathana Swifta i njegovih Guliverovih putovanja, ali sam i empat. E sad kako to može biti da mrziš ljudsku vrstu kao otrov planeta i istovremeno suosjećaš sa svakim slomljenim noktom na svijetu to mi nikako nije jasno. Možda opet trebam kod psihijatra da mi kaže što mi je, ali vjerojatno će opet reći da sam ja super normalna. Inače, za sve psihijatre kažu da su malo ludi, pa možda zato misle da sam i ja zdrava k’o dren. 


Pustimo sad i to. Nije važno.

Ono što jest važno jeste da izvolite slati svoju medicinsku dokumentaciju, nalaz MR i popunjen upitnik na moj mail koji je i tu na ovoj stranici. Za studiju o učinku CBD- a na autoimune bolesti.Svaka doza se plaća 10 ml – 800 kn sa uključenom poštarinom.

Studiju ne financiramo mi, ali troškove lijeka DA. Ovdje se ne morate žuriti jer se oboljeli mogu uklmjučiti kad god.  Ovo nije pitanje života i smrti. Ovo je pitanje jeste li spremni dati sve od sebe i to VI – ne netko drugi za vas da pomognete sami sebi ili iz bilo kojih razloga ne želite igrati ovu igru ako je igra. Znam da novac ne raste na hgrani (gjedala ja sva stabla u šumi pod mojom kućom) i i ja “živim od 1250 kn mjesečno. Sad trenutno u kući nema ni kruha ni kune prebijene, ali ja ću novce za svoju dozu naći i to za svih 6 mjeseci. Nekima možda zvuči lakše čekati da se sve nekako samo riješi. Neki ipak nemaju taj luksuz vremena. Na lotu još nisam dobila ali u nekim sam pregovorima sa bogovima s Olompa i Atena Mudra je na našoj strani, pa nikad se ne zna. U međuvremenu dat ću sve od sebe, sve što je moguće da stanem na noge i da budem cijeli Čovjek, a ne samo pola. I da uzimat ću i matičnu mliječ  SIROVU! Ali o tome drugi put sad idem hodati kako sam obećala u bolnici.


Nemojte misliti da sam ja nekakav Spasitelj, Vođa, Izbavitelj! Ne Zemlji ima preko 7 milijardi stanovnika. Što sam jedna ja u tom moru? Tek zrno pijeska na obali! Pomozite sami sebi! Borite se za SEBE! Vi i samo vi ste odgovorni za svoje tijelo i dušu. Nitko drugi nije vam gazda niti vam je Spasitelj u ovoj priči! Nisam tu da izmišljam toplu vodu. Tu sam da vas povežem sa onima koji mogu pomoći, a to kažem jer su pomoli meni. Jesam li ja ikakvo mjerilo staje za vidjeti.

Ljubav vama!

Minja Vuksan Dobran

 

 

                                                                 

2018-04-30T18:25:00+00:00

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